From the Book:
Love Letters To A Narcissist
Resources List
E. N. McNamara
© 2022 E. N. McNamara
First Edition, February 14, 2022
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.
Terms of Narcissistic
Patterns of Behavior
The following terms relate to experiences that people have in relationships with narcissists. I am not a mental health professional. I am not diagnosing, nor am I dispensing advice. These give only brief (not definitive) descriptions of patterns of behaviors commonly exhibited by narcissists. Yet I hope and believe you will find them helpful. Click on the underlined terms for a more extensive (video) explanation from a clinical expert on narcissism: Dr. Ramani Durvasula.
Love Bombing - is constant attention and constant contact, including excessive texting all throughout the day and hours and hours of phone or FaceTime conversation regularly. It also involves spending excessive amounts of time together to the exclusion of everyone else in your life (my ex was downright attitudinal if I accepted a call from anyone other than my child when we were together), excessive gift-giving, and excessive compliments. Falling in love very fast or saying they’ve never felt like this before could also be love bombing.
Mirroring - is when the narcissist mimics who you are. They want to know every single thing about you. They may appear to have many of the same interests as you. Their deep interest makes you feel like the most special person in the world. Because they appear so interested, you may ascribe altruistic qualities to them and quickly feel comfortable sharing your deepest secrets, fears, and perhaps past traumas. This is how the narcissist learns to mimic you. It is also how they learn your buttons, how to push them, and how to manipulate you.
Devaluation - is when a narcissist puts you down. They may use something painful or embarrassing that you shared with them in confidence to hurt you and make you feel bad. They may tell you that you are the abusive one. They may tell you that you or things that interest you are worthless. Devaluation is a way of making you feel worthless, empty, and ashamed. It creates an emotional
dependence on them for your sense of self-worth.
Gaslighting - is a way of making you believe that what you know or have experienced isn’t real, true, or accurate. This can occur in many ways but is not limited to telling you that what you saw or heard didn’t happen, telling you you’re too sensitive, telling you that you’re not remembering things correctly, or blaming you for having hurt feelings when they did something hurtful. They may say, “Sorry your feelings are hurt”. They may blame you for their reaction. They may repeatedly call you crazy.
Hoovering - is the process of sucking you back in after they have discarded you or you have left them. Oftentimes, they act as if nothing ever happened. They use your birthday or a holiday to “reach out” (my ex used the full moon). They may bring up the kids, even if they have no real relationship with your kids. They could invite you somewhere that you enjoy going to. They might send an “accidental” text.
Trauma bonding - is the process of creating a strong emotional bond through shared painful experiences, be it physical or emotional pain. Trauma bonding makes it feel impossible for you to walk away from the narcissist. You “walk on eggshells” trying to please them just to get the slightest bit of affection or kindness. Trauma bonding also has the effect of making the victim lie to their loved ones about the abuse and even defend their abuser. Trauma bonding can make you feel as if you’re addicted to the narcissist. This in effect makes it feel impossible to leave a narcissist.
Future Faking - is how narcissists lead you to believe that everything will be better in the future. They may talk about future hopes and dreams together without any specific plans to make them happen, or they may speak of a plan that never comes to fruition. This could go on for years. It may come in the form of a promise for the future or alluding to it so they can say they never agreed to or promised you anything.
Projection - is when a narcissist accuses you of or criticizes you for doing something that they are doing, for example, lying or cheating.
Coercive control - Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation, intimidation, or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten the victim. It is the control of another person's behavior by using force or threats or by causing fear or fraud.
DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse, Victim and Offender.
Loaded language - redefines words.
Double bind - makes someone feel trapped or afraid that their decision will be wrong. No matter what you do. You have only bad choices. You’re damned if you do, you’re damned if you don’t. Between a rock and a hard place.
Double Vision - cognitive dissonance, trauma bond (trauma coerced attachment), Stockholm syndrome.
Click on the terms in blue for more in-depth information.
Resources
This is a list of resources, books, and YouTube videos that I and other survivors of narcissistic abuse have found extremely helpful on the journey towards wholeness. While everyone is different, seeking some form of help is important. Isolation after a narcissistic relationship can be even more damaging. I hope that you find some of these offerings useful. There are far more narcissists amongst us than we are aware of. They come from all walks of life and often infiltrate our lives in ways over which we cannot control.
The best book I read after going N- Contact for years was “Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself” by Shahida Arabi. For more insight visit her YouTube channel Self-Care Haven. Click on the pictures. They link to videos. They are great narcissist primers.
Dr. Ramani Durvasula has the most extensive collection of YouTube videos on narcissism. Take in what you can and allow for frequent breaks. This is a lot to absorb.
There are several narcissist support groups on Facebook, Quora, and Reddit. As their quality and content can vary, I suggest searching and observing them to see which Narcissistic support group fits your needs.
SLAA - (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous) may also be helpful to people with love and or sex addictions. There is a self-assessment questionnaire on the SLAA home page.
The Banyan Therapy Group website lists downloadable resources on healthy boundaries.
Disclaimer
The definitions and resources sections are meant to provide valuable information for the reader. However, they are not exhaustive nor meant to substitute for direct expert assistance. If such a level of assistance is required, the services of a competent mental health professional should be sought.
About the Author
E. N. McNamara is a lifelong spiritual seeker and a meditator for decades. Meditation has been a saving grace. A lover of crystals, technology, music, dancing, meditation, and all things vegan. E. N. McNamara believes that love is a superpower available to us all. We need more love superheroes in each city, state, and nation to fortify the world with a power that cannot be shot, beaten, burned, drowned, cut, oppressed, or bombed away. Love—true love—can make the impossible possible. E.N. knows and has found it within. You can, too.
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